T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
