I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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