This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
