um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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