I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
