I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
