and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
