I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
