The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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