: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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