her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
