I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
