when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
