i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
