I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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