I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
