what day is it and did you see me today?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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