Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK