So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.