There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
