Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
