operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
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You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
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I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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