i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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