i jhust puked up my retainher.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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