I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
