We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
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I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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