my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
