There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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