why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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