I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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