one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
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After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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