peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
