omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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