the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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