Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
