You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
two words...techno handjob
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
