The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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