It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
