I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Oh god it's open bar.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
