I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
