Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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