i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
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we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
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I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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