mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
