dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i now understand why vodka
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
