I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
