How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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