we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
