If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
