Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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