Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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