I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
