just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
