Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
