I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
