We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
