I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My vagina is officially offended.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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