thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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