I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
