My room smells like vodka and shame
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
