whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
