My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great