Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"